13 November, 2003
So last night - or during the day- no it was night- I said those words that have been said rather regularily lately- 'we need to talk'
and the need to talk was about me not being able to cope with the way things are at the moment. I have anxiety attacks back with avengence- just when I was laughing at the memory of them the other day- almost as though I'd reminded myself of that nasty little coping mechanism and it said, "Oh thankyou Alex! We'd forgotten we could rely on repetitive illogical thoughts and irratic breathing!"
Well glad to be of service to you Anxiety please call again- tomorrow- at some point- I'm sure you will.
Anyway, so I said the 'we need to talk.' "What about?" "You know what about."
Why do people say that right after they've said to you- as you're walking out the door- "Oh honey I slept with someone else last night and didn't come home till the wee hours because..... " (or to that affect)- why do they say, "What do we need to talk about?"
Cause and Effect are never endingly curious wouldn't you say? You have a choice as to whether or not you are going to do something in particular or behave in a certain manner. You make that choice. These choices are infinite (I'm guessing) and the events that unfold are infinite and in themselves choices.. it a little choice fiasco really.
That's life. So my life has decided to go into a little spin in relation to- no I can't live with you whilst you have casual sex with strangers.
Actually I can't live with you- at this point in our friendship post relationship- whilst you are dating/fucking/seeing someone. In the future we could all sit around a big fucking table and eat tapas together- but at this point its not an option.
Two weeks. That's all he asks. Two weeks and the right to say things like, "Maybe we will still work out."
So I picked up a 'REALLY FUCKING EXPENSIVE TO RENT WHEN YOU EARN NO MONEY' flyer from the Real Estate Agent.
Nice one boys and girls.
So all of this is thrown into the mix bag along with the return of a certain friend to Melbourne. I decided that the best way to tackle their return was to find some time- inappropriately timed I might add- to talk about the underlying issues in our friendship. I have a habit of avoiding conflict- she has a habit of not telling me anything and expecting and assuming I know what is going on. Included in this little senario are a few 'differences of opinions' and some very murky water under the bridge involving men and ... yeah so we needed to talk.
My pet hate- remember this if I ever bitch uncontrollably about one of my friends- is when someone has nasty words to say about me that they can't say to my face- so they say them to other people's faces and those faces in turn decided to hold some sort of banning of niceness in my direction. People, when a friend says things to you about someone yet remain friends with this person it could mean a few things- one of them is that their affection and friendship for this person is great enough for them to overlook their faults. Another reason is that they want something from that person. Or they could merely be too chicken shit or lazy to get on with the job of ending the friendship. Who knows what the reasons are- but as YOU don't have as much affection or friendship with this person YOU find it easier to not be friends with them. But you're doing this because? Because your mutual friend has told you things that cement your dislike? Because you are insecure/jealous/immature/judgemental? Why?
And then... then when the person who has been put out in the cold decides after a few years of chilly reception to ask you all about it ....
well this was me the other night..
laughing and saying, "Oh no I don't know if I want to hear this."
So I got the abridged version which only consisted of references to 'all' the terrible things I'd done.
Nicely insinuated that there were a few. More than a few in fact. I'd done 'more than just that one thing' and that one thing has obviously been a tip on a big bad muddy Alex Iceberg.
I'm writing this all out to get it out and to put it to rest. I'm not perfect. Just incase you were wondering if I were thinking I was? Heh.
I've done some pretty dodgy, immoral, wrong, nasty, manipulative, self-serving, bitchy, horrible, mean mean mean things in my days. I've chosen to ignore the wishes of loved ones, I've lived in denial, cheated, lied, stollen, broken hearts, I've broken people's trust, let them down, betrayed them, disrespected friends and loved ones, allowed myself to be disrespected...
I could go on...
that song.....'standing on shaky ground.....'
keeps kicking in in the Alex Radio Station in my head.
I've not got Strawberry Letter 23 (the original by Otis) in my head- niiiiiiice.
I have the idea that I need someone to add some enthusiastic encouragement that goes past the obligatory, "Change is good."
Thank fucking fuck fuck for the Belle.
And for the other litte Lemonheads.
Did I mention that I was really stoned yesterday and my religious uncle came to visit me- nice surprise that one!!!
Apparently I'm not doing anything worthwhile with my life because I'm not working in A. MEDICINE or B.MISSION WORK or C. HELPING THOSE LESS FORTUNATE THAN MYSELF.
I was, however, given a 'bling bling' present from Lauren and Dana which is a dimonti broach in the shape of the letter 'A'..... very very cool. Dana is also going to give me one of her tee-shirts- which I've loved since before I knew that she was THAT Dana.
See.....
(playing a simple song.... yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah........ )