01 February, 2004
When you are on the brink of something great its strange the way other things- the old life- starts to crumble in such a fantastic dramatic fashion.
Polly said, "Don't get ahead of yourself you're not thirty yet." I need to get ahead of myself. I need to get there and rush at it and build something great (cos then they WILL come oh just you wait and see) and make something of this life.
The shortness of breath that comes with holding your breath- when you go for the big gulp of air and your chest is so damn tight from it all- face goes tingly and I realise that the more I do the more enegry I have. The more an hour can be worked. I can WORK THIS FUCKING HOUR I'm thinking these days.
I woke around eight and then around ten and then around eleven and eventually made it out of bed about midday and felt scratchy and sad about a wasted morning.
I want this new job. I want capital. I want these ideas to take shape.
I want to get the aesthetic of both sides- find the full circle that's been so ellusive these past few years and make the best picture in the world.
If I believed in fate and destiny and kharma I'd be talking about them a lot at the moment- I don't believe in these things- probably because I have lived a life that means I'll be paying my dues for eons.
I said to someone today, "You make me wanna do great things."
I was thinking of saying to someone today- and ended up saying it to a different person all together- its not about striving for the perfect relationship- its not about finding the perfect match, the perfect person, the perfect way of communicating between two people- its about finding a focus and direction for your own energy- about striving for perfection in one small thing- within yourself at a time. I've thought this 'I want to be the best' was such a negative instinct. Now I'm thinking maybe its the fuel I need. Not the 'I want to be the best you've ever had' but more the, 'I want to be the best I can be.' Which all sounds scarily like I'm writing my own self motivational handbook.
Well fuck it this slapping has to have done me some good right?
Saw Seany last night and thought about A.L and said, "Where's your brother disappeared to?" He didn't know either.
I'll try another email. Yeah along with all the other emails that I have stacked up in my email brain file. Write to so and and so and so.. I'm such a non existant friend some times.
SO the 'go get em tiger' list for this coming week...
Run about town and grab as many fashionista type pamphlets as possible in an effort to know something of what I may be doing for this job if I get it. Hopefully that vibe will bring with it the new job.
Go to the doctors.
Clean something- my room- this desk- the bathroom- anything- just clean it you flithy bitch.
Go to the bridal place and try on dresses.
The first and the last are things I can do with other people so if you'd like to join me let me know.
Oh hello you people.