Here I go again... just when I was about to get myself together....
30 January, 2005
I went on a journey to far off lands. There I saw strange creatures and learnt a new language.
I met a man and lived with him for some time. I read many books and decided many things for myself.
I decided to apply to study architecture even though I knew I would fail and they would not accept me into the course I wanted. I didn't fail.
I decided to apply for another job doing something I enjoyed.
But before all these changes other things had happened that made it near impossible for me to come here and write.
I couldn't shake the fear I'd felt for so long. I felt that I was being watched. I was. Not here, but in my day to day life I was followed and terrorised by someone.
I became angry and scared. I snapped my words out, I bit at people, I flew at them in a rage. I fought and fought and fought and then finally, like never before, I was angry enough to tackle the imaginary fears. I couldn't tackle the real fear- that someone had be violent and assulted me and raped me and caused me grief and stalked me and haunted my sleep and broken my heart and my trust.
So I fought it all by falling in love- aha take that you bastard! I fought it by doing things that scared me. I fought it by doing anything that anyone had ever made me think I was not capable of doing.
Actually that shouldn't be in the past tense.
That should be now.
That's what I'm doing.
Except I'm not fighting. I'm having fun.