10 November, 2003
Please give me a job in a little homewares store. Please. Please. Please. Please. I will get up early I will work hard I will be good at my job. I'll look the part and act the part and I'll keep everything spic and span.
Please.
Please teach me how to pay bills on time and how to pay rent without ending up completely poverty stricken.
Please.
I'm fucking sick of being so hopeless and more sick of being so fucking dependent.
No I'm serious. These are just stupid words and no one can do anything and even if they could they probably wouldn't think to- why is it that no one ever thinks, "Hey that sounds like something Alex would be great at I'm going to ask her if she wants to go for that job... " Or something?
I'm retarded at getting new jobs. I freak out so badly.
Fucking anxiety attacks.
I need to get out of here. I need to get out of here.
Yeah I know. I'll still be here. Its comfortable and cheap and I'm shit with money.
And then I get sick and I think- what would happen if I was paying rent and bills and all the rest and I got sick and couldn't work and didn't have a job that included sick leave? I'd end up with ten cents in my fucking wallet and what would I do then?
Nothing. Nothing TO DO. Cos I'm a fucking loser and there's nothing to do.
I really want to hit something right now.
I really realy want to cry.
Fuck it all really.