16 November, 2003
I got fucked over kiddies.
I got played. I got totally screwed and manipulated. My feelings suddenly were reduced to absolutely nothing- considered as non existant.
Goes like this. Liked liked liked liked... sweet sweet... that's a little love yeah?.... liked liked.... commiting to something...
FUCKED OVER.
I can't explain it here. I wish I could. I said, "Does it even matter to you how hurt I am by all this?"
The reply was, "It does."
But it doesn't. It can't. I've NEVER seen someone do such a 360. Never. I've never seen someone do it so gratuitously, so brazenly, so hurtfully. I'm completely baffled as to when they started to think that they could do this, when they started to play me. I've no idea what was real and what wasn't now.
I keep getting the same response to my - 'why does it always rain on me?' reaction- which is- 'that's your problem Alex you think that its you- you need to respect yourself more- you need to .... '
I do fucking respect myself. I know that I'm a pushover, I respect that. I know that I let people in to a point and then block them until I have it in blood that they wont do a little rain dance on me. I respect that I can be this person in light of these kinds of going ons. You might think that I'm a pushover but I don't. I think it takes guts to accept people and forgive people and love them despite their faults- despite all the risks and the warning signals. I'm cynical about MY life but I'm never cynical about other people. Its just about them in relation to me. I can reduce the best to the worst in fifty moves or less. I'd put it down to kharma or fate- but I don't believe in them- fuck destiny- that's in there too.. in there... up there with all the other stupid excuses for hurtful behaviour. We just use them to try to find a way to accept it when someone is terrible to us.
I've done terrible things, but I've struggled with them, I've thought about them, I've wished I could be a better person.
I haven't stolen a phone number from someone's phone and played out a little senario with such abandon- that was surely going to hurt someone I aparently cared quite a lot about.
See I can't even determine the level of care involved now because although the evidence was there that it was considerable- WHY? Why do those things, say those things, if you were going to do this?
It does matter?? Really? You're sitting there looking for drugs and out with your mate having a few drinks and you're not under my window begging for forgiveness, citing mental collapse, moral collapse.. brought on by delerium... not looking to even try to excuse your actions? Why not? Why the fuck not?
So I have to change? Because I have a habit of befriending people who are capable of this kind of behaviour? Dan's weird little analogy- that basically this kind of thing could happen to anyone- it could happen to a princess- (princess?)- rings true but it doesn't explain the glaringly obvious- which is that this happens to me more often than most.
So my tendency to look at it from the perspective- not of the victim (as you may assume, but you'd be assuming incorrectly) but more of the innocent...
DaveM said to me, "But what did you do... " and I said, "Actually, honestly, Dave in this situation I can tell you that I was totally upfront and honest and amazingly together through all this."
If I'd kicked this person in the guts emotionally maybe I could understand. If I'd elluded to there being an avenue for this kind of behaviour, suggested that this kind of thing would be okay, then ...
but I didn't.
He didn't.
He stated the opposite.
"I don't want to play you."