they now have your details
11 March, 2004
So Joao and Henrique's Dad died. He said, "We learned lots with him and now we are alone." My heart aches and I want to be there. How do you explain even to yourself how you can be with someone for such a short time and know that you love them immensely- and- and you can be with someone for months or years and never know it- never have that feeling. How do you have a quiet conversation and let someone be upset and tell you whatever they want to get out when the language barrier is there? I want to call him but we always end up talking so excitedly. Dan said I should call. I will. I'll get a card and call him in the next day or so. It extends back you know. What he said, "My family is your family." Sounds dramatic but its like puzzle piece just got chewed. I went to the police station today and talked to a constable. I now know how to get a restraining order. He now has someone's number so that if anything happens I can call him and say, "Hey Constable Adam can you please call this guy and scare the be-jezuz outta him like he's scaring me?" Fear. Funny thing. I was shaking with it last night. I stood at the bar and stared into a friend's eyes and couldn't actually speak, couldn't turn, all I could was open my eyes wider and think, "Oh my god there's so much anger trembling all around me!" Electric really. I feel weird. Let's be honest. This all sucks. Hurting someone sucks but watching someone unravel is terrible. Really terrible. It doesn't matter how much you do or don't care for them- its not nice to watch- and you can't tell them anything- nothing clicks in place the way it should. You can say, "Yes we are friends and I'm extending that friendship into the territory of you losing your mind with the appropriate boundaries." But they don't know what boundaries are when there's nothing keeping them in. And its so selfish- this whole deal- on both sides- its when two people are pitted against each other. Its almost comic and almost tragic and most definitely needless and stupid and a waste of time. I can now answer my phone. I now no longer grit my teeth when a message comes through. My phone- which took on -literally!!- a glaring grrring buzz when a message came through now just seems excited. THRILL THRILL BUZZ BUZZ! If I didn't get the 'hey this is my number' e-mail to you and you'd like my number drop me a line. Funny was when I was changing my number the guy- cute scots accent- said, "Oh hey I live at Number 43, near Mac Donalds! I could stalk you- cept we're not allowed to do that." Then I told him why I was changing my number. Next to someone calling information for my number and the person who answered knowing me and giving them my number to pass on- that was the funniest phone thing. He had a great sense of humour and ..... Aidan is interview Owen Wilson this week. I told him to tell him that I think his nose says that he's a dangerous man who has no fear and.... and I desperately want to do lascivious things with him. Aidan is in London. He called me tonight. So did Mark from the gallery- just to make sure everything is okay. V said I'm a drama queen- but- you know I have to be active about this or else my resolve will falter. My brain is living in seed mode right now. So much I can't touch upon because- because I'm afraid he'll remember about here and come looking- and that would actually be dangerous at this point. And because I actually worry what some people who know and love me would think- such mixed emotions in all this- I mean- the more garish elements made me cringe but- there was so much strange water under that bridge it is hard to let someone go like that. I kept saying it didn't I? I'm one great big self fulfilling prophecy these days aren't I? Sheesh. Oh... I spoke Polish slang without even realising it today. I said, "Where's the shoo shoo paper?" I kept saying it, "You know the shoo shoo paper where is it?" Go ask a Pole. xxxx