03 May, 2004
sitting in an internet place on brunsfucked street in shitsroy. I'm contemplating moving here hey.
twas B's 30th birthday today and I gave him on a whim my favourite painting- the only one I think is personally worth anything- I wanted to tell him that---- that---- well other things but I refrained. He looked all the sporty earthy boy that he is- and that almost broke my wee little tiny bitsy heart.
It was a blue and green painting of a dog and seeing it downstairs made me realise that I should be painting and that I haven't an excuse to save myself from the drowning arty raft I'm on.
Just a case of get to it young lady and stop your-----
young?
Yes.
So the other theme this week has been about beauty- an ongoing debate that I have with myself and anyone else who'll listen about why I have to be told by every single male I'm ever with that they have been with girl much more attractive than me- who have better bodies or better whatevers and that the reason they like me is because I'm not boring or bimboish after the first two weeks- like these girls aparently are..
and I ..
I get mad and I say things and they say- hey look you have to like yourself better and I say-
I fucken do- I just hate that you have to remind me of where I slide on the scale.
That you tell me one of my friends- whom is deemed more attractive than me but almost every single male I know- to the point that men have been known to walk into me on the street - like I'm a pole- because she is walking besides me- would be the equivalent of 'an eastern european shotput competitor' comapared to the women you've fucked..
and I say-
where the fuck am I on your scale.
I'm pissed of that there are not more men out there who's heartrates flatline at the site of a 'typically' beautiful woman.
Where IS the land where the men exist whom believe a woman like me is higher than a six on their scale- where beauty is some totally inseperable from the person...
anyway- as most of you lovelies know I'll bitch and moan about this till the cows come home.
I had dreams of spiders- spiders spiders spiders..
chiv where were you?
We need to defeat them and our fear.