24 May, 2004
You see the thing is that no matter what the timing is its always wrong.
You see the thing is that it doesn't matter what you do you're going to sit on a few hearts and hear them pop.
You see the thing is that I'm going to have to make sure I don't talk to you as much or see your funny little photo safaris because you're one of the only things standing inbetween me and a normal life.
Because there's only one of you and that's too many for this world in a way- because if the world KNEW that you existed- if it got a big huge dose of you in some way- half the people would run screaming and the other would form a cult to worship you.
And I'd fall into the later half- and probably sometimes agree with the first- but I'd still be stuck in this weird place. This rediculous bit knowing where I wonder what would have happened if I'd happened apon you years ago in a park with a .. life.. that I never had..
or.. something.
Yeah you were right after all I am just another girl who wants to get married and have babies and try to live happily ever after.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry to you as well. See I've reason to be talking in code again how exciting.
I'm sorry that I fucked you around and you waited and I fucked you around some more. And then I broke our hearts and ...
you'll be okay... and now I can see where you were heading with it all... where you wanted to get with it. And you're good and sweet and I try to sleep but I can't because I see you.
You'll get to be my big mistake in life if that helps at all?
All the things we wanted to be- that you wanted to have- and you never got it- any of them- because of me being a selfish bitch.
I have to start working out how I'm going to get myself out of things I'm not even in so that I can get myself into other things.
I move house soon.
Its going to be grand.
I'm convincing myself of this by thinking of a kitchen and other domestic glories that I don't have at the moment.
Then comes the scary deal of not living here- not having the day to day security of 'this is my house' but also the day to day 'this is my new house and... '
I did however hear the reassuring words today that went something like, "Let's get you into a career you love."
Lets.